Excuse my probably OTT reactions, I've only just heard the news and I'm reacting emotionally and probably being unreasonable.
My parents are divorced. My Dad has always been rubbish. At the most we seem him once a month. He doesn't see the importance of coming to visit when my children have birthdays. At the same time, he is always saying he is proud of me, my husband, my children, that he is glad to be a grandparent to such lovely boys etc. I assume his uselessness is laziness rather than malicious.
Today he called to announce he is getting married some time after next April. No problem except I didn't even know he was with anyone, except through hearsay from my grandma (his mum). He previously broke up with this woman because she was manipulating him financially and emotionally. That was about 18 months ago. I've got no idea how long they have been back together, I only heard the rumours last week.
His uselessness is always upsetting me. He's always letting me down, but because he doesn't mean to I brush it aside and forgive him. Nobody is perfect, I don't expect him to be. I feel this is one step too far. He openly admitted he didn't tell anyone he was back with her because he wanted to keep it a secret in case it all went wrong. I hate this woman. She has been rude to me and to my sister (including about my house, about my children, about my mothering ability, about my sister's size (she's a size 12, woman is at least a 16)). She was also rude to my husband's best man at my wedding, and left the wedding reception without saying goodbye to anyone, including my dad.
I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to come up and see us when my dad comes. I don't want her mail sent here (my dad's does as he lives on a narrow boat as he's on the road 5 days a week) when she moves in with him. I don't want to go to their wedding. I don't even want to pretend I'm ok with it anymore.
But I don't want to cause a rift. I don't want to be the one holding a grudge, but I don't want to see her, talk about her or for her to have any contact with my children.
I feel sick to my stomach. I've lost my appetite, but for some reason ate my dinner anyway. I am hurting so much. Hurting because I've been deceived, hurting because he's letting me down, hurting for all the times I know he's going to let me down in the future as he's always worse when he's in a relationship. Hurting because I'm not a priority for him the way I am for my mother and the way my children are for me and my husband. Hurting because I was stupid enough to honour him by giving my son his name as a middle name and he doesn't deserve it. Hurting because I'm too scared to admit that he's shit and I hate him and I don't want anything to do with him yet at the same time I don't want to lose him, or rather the person he could be if he just tried.
I'm feeling a desire to fill myself with food, yet I know it won't work so I can't do it and I don't know how else to make this pain go away.
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Hurting
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3 comments:
Big hugs Nicola. I guess this is a time when you have to 'sit with your emotions.' Have you got anyone you can talk to? Or can you write an imaginary letter to him, telling him how hurt and annoyed you are? It might make you feel better.
Yes, write a letter (don't send it!). That's what I used to do to my daughter's father, who was also useless (disappeared from her life without a word when she was 4!!). It does help. Otherwise, you just have to work through these feeling Nic love. They are valid and there's no reason you SHOULDN'T feel like this. Sometimes things just hurt and there's nothing you can do about that, except feel the pain and wait for it to fade.
Your father is a fool and obviously doesn't realise what a wonderful, beautiful, marvelous girl he's got. Some people just aren't very good at being parents - not everyone can get it right!
Thinking of you sweetie!
Ax
I think the letter idea is very good. You write out all your thoughts and emotions.. make it as strong as you feel.. only you will see it. Maybe do a ritual burning of the letter when you've finished writing/reading it? Then you need to sit and decide how much contact you want. Would you feel happier with no contact at all? I doubt it. All you can do is work out what balance you can accept. I hope you come to a better balance than I did.... I have no contact at all with my parents.
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