A Successful Day

It seems keeping a blog is helping me to keep focused a little bit. Today I waited until 5.30pm before eating anything, as I just don't seem to have any real hunger signals at the moment. I sat myself down and had a mini feast. It was originally going to be just a bag of crisps, but I went off those quite quickly so I probably only had about 8 crisps, then a square of chocolate but that wasn't hitting the spot either, so I had a Toffipop biscuit and then a blue WKD. My hunger scale seemed unaffected by this.
I was still hungry when I dished up chili con carne at 8.30pm, but I only dished myself up a small portion, and I had about half a slice of chocolate cheesecake before I decided what I really wanted was a ham and cheese sandwich with some soup. I've just finished that now and I feel like I am at about hunger level 5.
My stomach feels peaceful, if that even makes sense. It feels calm as it isn't stuffed with food. I still feel a little anxious, like I want to eat, but it isn't hunger. I think it's a mix of boredom and feeling a little lonely, but I'm learning to just sit with this feeling and it's not the end of the world. It is uncomfortable, and I can't seem to figure out how to alleviate it, but I'm not feeding it anymore.

I think I am going to stop eating for today now, as we are going out for lunch tomorrow and I want to be hungry for it as it is a fabulous restaurant. They use local ingredients and it's all freshly cooked, not microwaved like so many restaurants seem to be opting for these days.

I'm looking forward to seeing my family tomorrow, and I'm looking forward to the week ahead as well. I had a good time exploring the town on Thursday, and I love sitting in my garden and pottering around the house and I truly feel like I am beginning to bless my family by taking care of them and the house properly.

Now I just need to figure out how to pull myself out of this awful depression. I am so sick of one part of me being so immensely happy but it being horribly overshadowed by a black cloud feeling of deep sadness that won't shift. I remember seeing a Happy Mums plan on netmums so I think I'll check that out again.

Progress

I've made some progress over the last couple of days. I've realised that I have been treating the Beyond Chocolate principles as the "Eat when Hungry" diet, or the "Eat Mindfully" diet. I need to re-read my Beyond Chocolate book again, but also from reading blogs by Scales are for Fish, Liquorice Torpedoes and Sweet Chocolate Kisses, I've been able to see where I was going wrong.

I have learned that the whole point of Beyond Chocolate is eating without judgement, and that the only rule that there can possibly be is to be kind to myself however and whatever I eat, but also to observe and learn from what I see. And observing is nothing like judging. It's a bit like an experiment, to see what happens when I eat at certain hunger levels, or when I eat certain foods. And indeed the goal isn't even to be perfect at the Beyond Chocolate principles - even normal weight people don't eat only when they are hungry!

I also had a small success today. I waited as long as I could before eating to make sure I was somewhat hungry. I think I was somewhere between 3 and 4, and served myself chicken soup with a ham and cheese sandwich. As I was eating, I realised that my attentions were drifting elsewhere, so I prepared myself to stop early. I managed to leave the crusts from two sides of my sandwich, and half the bowl of soup. I was a little full, in that I could feel that my stomach was stretched slightly, but I was not really uncomfortable, and I stopped, I reckon at 6 on my hunger scale! I told myself I had two more cans of chicken soup in my cupboard, and plenty more bread, butter, ham and cheese and I could have it again for the next time I felt hungry.

Mostly, I am proud of myself for focusing on the positive instead of berating myself for not waiting til a 2/3 to eat or eating past a 5.