Success and Perfection

Somehow I had never managed to separate the ideas of success and perfection. This evening, I've just been looking for a new quote to update my BC signature with and I came across this one:

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.
Dr. David M. Burns

I think that kind of makes it a little clearer.

Also, I took part in a BC teleclass!
I was so nervous, I wasn't going to do it, I was going to sit the whole call in silence, then I wasn't going to bother at all again But I just did it. And I'm so glad I did, it was so helpful to hear these women in real time and their real voices telling me how they feel and for them to pick up on some points I made and to identify with them on points they made too.I was worried because it was about feeling ok with our bodies and the idea of ourselves being beautiful and so on, and I kind of felt like I'm ok with my body now. I want to lose weight still, but I'm ok. So I wondered if maybe I wouldn't be any help to anybody or maybe the class wouldn't really help me but it was great. It brought up some new things to think about, made me realise where I'm getting stuck with some things and also cleared up a few misconceptions that I had about working towards liking my body.

I'm so glad I did it because before I did I had no doubts that I wouldn't bother joining that part of the guru club and now I am looking forward to being part of the teleclass every month!

Definitely worth a go if you can get a free taster session like I did, just to see whether it works for you. If it doesn't, you can stay quiet for the whole call or maybe like me you'll find it surprisingly easy and helpful.

My Chocolate Kingdom

My Chocolate Kingdom
A Fragment of a Dream ...and in my Chocolate Kingdom they brough me great MOUNTAINS of CHOCOLATE and thereof did I eat. And it did not make me feel ILL or ASHAMED, neither did it put weight on my THIGHS. For the chocolate was health-giving and NOURISHING, and the more I ate, the more BEAUTIFUL I became.

-Edward Monkton.

:O)
It makes me smile to think this is no longer a dream for me. That I can fill my cupboards with chocolate and I don't have to eat it. And that when I decide I would quite like some, whether that be a single piece or several bars, I can eat it without feeling sinful afterwards, and it doesn't equal weight gain anymore. So for me now, it is health-giving and nourishing because it nourishes my emotional and sensory health. Sometimes the soothing sensation of chocolate melting on my tongue is just what I need to cheer me up, and that's not a bad thing. Am I more beautiful? Yes, I think so. Not because I have lost weight, but because my soul is being recognised, respected and treated well by me.

Only nine sleeps to go!

Just nine more sleeps til Santa!

We went to fetch our Christmas tree tonight from Sherwood Pines Forest Park. It was fantastic. I really enjoyed choosing our own tree. The children had a giggle too.

We haven't decorated it yet though. I need to buy some more decorations as a lot of the glass ones got smashed, and we had to dash out to the ice hockey game. I hadn't been to one before and tbh I don't think I'm too fussed about going again. The players were really aggressive with eachother, and the commentator had to keep advertising all the sponsors which was really annoying.

But anyway, our tree is fantastic even undecorated. It's a beautiful dark green colour and smells fantastic. They had spruces, pines and firs for sale and we got a fir tree.

I also the most AMAZING night at the Take That concert on Thursday. I was worried it wasn't going to be too good and I'm not a big fan of them but I'd bought the tickets to cheer my mum up. It was absolutely fan-tas-tic! There was lasers, opera singers, ballet dancers, bridges that descended from the ceiling, travelators, fires and firedancing, african drums... It was so fantastic. You could see in their faces that the boys loved it too, they really put their hearts and souls into performing.

I'm making an effort to dress more like a 21 year old in the hope that this will raise my spirits enough to start acting more like one. Obviously I won't ever get back that freedom, but I don't have to be the frumpy mother that I've become. It's hard though, it's definitely a symptom of my struggle with finding an identity. Forming an identity that fits both a mother, a wife and a young woman hasn't been easy and I think I've acted older than I am to prove that I can be a good mother even if I am 21, and also to blend in with other mothers instead of looking different. I don't want to do that anymore though and thankfully, with BC, I've learnt that it isn't slimness that enables me to be young. Being slim would make it easier to dress younger, but I don't have to wait until I'm slim to even try anymore.

I also went out for dinner with Ben to celebrate our second anniversary last night - it's not til Tuesday but getting a babysitter on a weeknight is close to impossible. We went to one of our local pubs, The Chesterfield. I had goats cheese and sundried tomato salad to start, followed by venison and then a chocolate mousse. The starter was fantastic, the venision was very bland which was disappointing, and the chocolate mousse was so rich! I only managed to eat half of the main and pudding. We did finish a bottle of Veuve Cliquot between us though. I've waited four years to try that particular brand and it's now my favourite. Yummity yum!

I'm going to have a busy week this week getting everything ready for Christmas. I'm determined to have everything ready slightly in advance otherwise I end up completely run down and usually ill on Christmas day and boxing day. Not good.

Anyway, I'm off for a slice of cake. Bye xx

Hmpf

Tonight I'm feeling rubbish and desperately want to be slim so that others find me attractive. Why do I want others to find me attractive? Why do I want to feel validated in that way?
*sigh*
Perhaps a bit too "heart on my sleeve" but I think I'm feeling a bit frumpy and fed up as a wife and mother. I think I'm associating my previous younger life with slimness. I'd say young, free and single but I've only been single for six weeks since I was fourteen and a half lol. Perhaps it's wanting to have it all - that rush that you get from other people finding you attractive, but the security and stillness and stability that love provides. I'd never switch the love that I have with Ben for anything in the world, but it'd be nice to feel sexy too sometimes. Why can't I associate my size with sexiness?
Hmmf.
Well, now I just feel sad and silly, which I guess is better than feeling like I wanted to ring my mum (Cambridge Diet counsellor) for shakes and soups.

Silly me!

God I'm good

*toot toot toot* <-- Me blowing my own trumpet :OD

I got 77%!! The number of minor mistakes (mostly typos) is hilarious, but I got 77% after spending a couple of hours doing an assignment that should have taken 12 hours!!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!
And finally we have some cash, so I am going to get a bottle of wine and some lovely fish for dinner to celebrate. Yummety yum!

Rubbishy Rubbishness

Went to see my doctor this morning. I'm being referred to the Psychiatric team because I'm still not improving and over the last month or so I've got considerably worse. Utterly determined not to let this affect either my OU work or my BC fairy course in April. Though saying that, I had a mad rush to get my assignment in tonight. I submitted it with 3 minutes to go, though I think I did a good job considering the circumstances. I got a 79% on my first assignment. I will be happy with anything above 65% but realistically expecting somewhere between 50-65%.
The doctor gave me a questionnaire to rate how bad the symptoms are and I got 22 out of 27, so quite high. I have no appetite again.
I am also having some binge type desires that I'm not entirely sure are linked to the weight loss thing. I want to eat when I feel hard done by, and I wanted to eat tonight to celebrate getting my assignment in but we didn't have anything I felt like eating. I'm also very aware that eating doesn't work the way it used to anymore so it would be utterly pointless as it wouldn't even be a comfort, which makes the desires all the more confusing.

Ordered £32 worth of stuff from Avon though, so hopefully that will cheer me up a little when it arrives on the 12th. I bought some red lipstick and nail polish (my favourite colour), a teal eyeliner/eyeshadow duo thing as I always wear neutral colours and wanted to try something difference, and a tamagotchi pet thing LOL. I'm such a kid. I'm sure it will be rubbish, but it's only a fiver and I'm sure Toby will use it if I don't. Still, the thought of treating myself to something silly like that brings a smile to my face which is worth a whole lot more than a fiver at the moment :O)

Geneen Roth

I've just been flicking through some of the sections I'd underlined in Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. Some of the things Geneen says almost moved me to tears. When I read the book normally, it felt kind and comfortable, but picking out the best statements and reading them without the bumf really shows how amazing that woman is. She really writes from the heart, and it's like she's talking to you the way a mother should.

One part that particularly stuck out for me tonight was this, on how to be after a binge.

" It is crucial that you be KIND to yourself, that you be kinder to yourself now than you have been in a long time. This is when you need yourself the most. Don't leave. Your are most prone to self-condemnation, punishment, deprivation at this time, and if you let yourself fall into that trap, you'll be lost until you can muster the compassion the retreive yourself. Do something wonderful ... You need to let yourself know that you still believe in yourself."

There is so much wisdom in that book. I don't think I could ever repay her for the change she has made to my life.