Big Fat MWAH

To all the lovely ladies who left me comments on my last post :O) It's lovely to feel so supported.
Happily I am not at all affected by other peoples' weight worries. It hadn't even crossed my mind this year that I should be slim at Christmas. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less what my family think of my weight and if they think rude comments then it says more about them than me. I hadn't noticed how good it is to be free of those dieting deadlines.
I seem to have lost my hunger signal again. It's not too bad and I think it is related to the depression, which has taken a horrible turn. Think I need to try some different antidepressants as these seem to be making things worse rather than better.
I've had a couple of struggles over the last few days - a bit of a push me pull me, again originating from an "I shouldn't eat this" as usual. I start second guessing myself as to whether I should eat something or not, and with the lack of hunger signal it's hard to feel like I'm making the right decision. It hasn't resulted in a binge though so I must be doing ok.

And in other news - it's nearly Christmas!! Yay!! I saw the Coca-Cola advert, and we're going to get a Christmas tree on Sunday, a real one! I can't wait. I sorted out all the decorations the day before yesterday, though I seem to have lost a load. Not that I need an excuse to buy more. I bought some gorgeous Gisela Graham ones from John Lewis last year, they are beautiful. I also managed to win an auction on eBay for a beautiful fabric advent calendar. It's the same one that my step-grandmother made for me as a child from a kit that can't be bought anymore. It only cost me £6.50 as well. Bargain!

I've begun planning the Christmas Day evening buffet as we have all the family over. It's so nice to be allowed to eat whatever I want without guilt and without regret the next morning. I've got some fantastic ideas and I can't wait to get started shopping and preparing it.

That's about all. I'm sooo tired and I have so much studying to do before my assignment on Tuesday so I better get cracking.

Brain twisting.

Gah. So, losing weight that is obvious in clothes sizes seem to result in the same effect that losing weight on the scales seems to have. I want to eat more. Al recommended I do the fat conversation thing again which I think will be a good idea. I also came up with another possible explanation as I was walking yesterday but I've forgotten what it was now. Useful, aren't I!

I've been writing my Christmas list this week. I found a gorgeous pair of knee high boots in Clarks.

I went to try them on this evening and they won't zip up over my fat calves. Strangely, I am not having a go at myself the way I used to. I am, however, really upset. And angry. Though I'm not sure who I'm angry at or why. I'm definitely fed up about that. I've wanted them for weeks and now there is no point getting them.
I'm still feeling positive that this is working for me. I am in size 18 jeans again, albeit with hold-it-all-in pants. I think there is definitely a feeling of impatience. When I gave up the scales, I started to give up the intense desire to lose weight. Weightloss has always been non-negotiable; it had to happen, but the intensity was diminishing. This week, when I realised I was really losing weight, it brought that desire back. I tasted success, it tasted good and I wanted more. I'd lost the patience, and the bad food habits/incessant gremlin niggling came back scarily fast.

I'm in for the long haul. This makes me feel so free and so happy, even the crap days are never as crap as they used to be. Only five months til fairy training starts! :O)

Being ok

I'm doing ok with my eating still. It feels odd though, like I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I know this is something I'll have to work on continuously albeit at a less involved level. Before I couldn't even contemplate the idea of missing a meal. Whether I was hungover, sick, tired, had nothing in the house that I fancied, I'd eat anyway. Plus snacks. I was always hungry. These days, I'm hardly ever hungry. My emotional needs aren't getting met as much as I'd like, but the desire to eat has gone now that I've dealt with that "emotional discomfort never gets solved with food" thing.
In a way, it's a little scary as I can't hide from my emotions like I did before. Eating something doesn't even distract me anymore in the way it did. That's good though. That's where I want to be. That is exactly the reason that intuive eating has been such a journey for me. While on the surface it seems to be about having the willpower to follow the principles, it isn't. It's about separating yourself from the crutch that eating has become.
We're brought up in a society that inadvertantly creates disordered eating patterns. Learning how to eat now seems to me to be as important as learning how to walk or talk, and just as difficult. And I've learnt that making mistakes is not a negative thing. I now see them as discovering boundaries. If I make a mistake with IE, I've just discovered something new about myself or my eating habits. Putting it like that makes me realise that it's impossible to do IE without making mistakes. I think it was Thomas Edison that said "I haven't failed, I've just found many ways that don't work".
Ah ha, here we go, the exact quote -

"I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in
proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that
will not work, I will find the way that will work." –Edison.

That is definitely a quote that reflects my journey with intuitive eating. When I discovered Beyond Chocolate, I never believed that my life would change so much. I thought I was just going to eat better and lose weight. I never thought I'd have to change so much, to acknowledge myself and my feelings all the time. And now it seems absurd that I had been ignoring myself my whole life. I need looking after and I deserve to be looked after, not by other people but by myself.
That part is massive. And so, so difficult. I still find it extremely hard to ask for help. I've often been praised for being independent, so I think I interpreted that as it being a good thing to be able to cope alone, and so by asking for help I'd be giving up the image of being independent or self sufficient. That's what I need to work on now.
In other news, my depression has taken another turn for the worse. I was taking too many tablets for a few weeks - 150mg imipramine as my prescription, but I was still taking 100mg dosulepin. Now I've run out of dosulepin and I'm falling to pieces. I went to see my doctor again yesterday and she's increased my dose of imipramine to 200mg. I wanted to tell her that I'd been taking too many tablets but I couldn't. I think I might need someone to come with me next time if the increased dose of imipramine doesn't help so that I can put the 150mg imip + 100mg dosulepin idea to her. I suspect the answer will be no (which is why I'm scared to ask!), but it really worked before and I felt like myself again. We'll see anyway.

Happy Birthday Leo!

Today my baby boy is one year old. Already! I am in shock I think LOL. This last year has been momentous for me. I started my pregnancy a size 10, quickly going up to a 12 with the bloating/bump plus the all inclusive holiday weight that we went on the week before I found out I was pregnant. By the end of my pregnancy I was a size 18, yet I didn't know this until after I gave birth. I was mortified. I was (and still am!) over the moon was my son, so totally and utterly in love with him, the second he was placed onto my chest. The first words I managed were a breathless "Oh my gosh, I love him already".
Then two days later I decided to brave clothes, and being generous to myself, tried a size 14. I figured I'd need bigger jeans to allow for the post-baby bulge. They wouldn't even go up to my mid-thighs.
I couldn't understand it. It made no sense. I'd been wearing size 10/12 maternity clothes the whole time. Nobody had commented on my weight throughout my pregnancy. I couldn't possibly be a size 16! The idea was ridiculous. I had no choice but to drag myself to Next and buy the 16s. Better try them on first I thought. They wouldn't do up. Size 18?! I've never been a size 18. Size 18 was past my size 16 (the biggest my mum ever was) "limit".

I bought the size 18 jeans. I had no choice. I had nothing to wear. I wore size 16 tops though. I wasn't a size 18, I was a size 16/18. It's different. I wouldn't buy a coat because the size 16 coats wouldn't do up. I spent the winter quite cold!

Nine days after giving birth to Leo, I felt so terrible about my size that I joined WeightWatchers online. I was back to points, and thank god breastfeeding allowed so many extra points because I was overloading food to push away the feeling of shame that came with my new size. The feeling of being a complete and utter failure. Nothing else mattered. I was fat. Again.

The Diet started every single day. I didn't wait for Mondays or Tuesdays (the new Mondays dontcha know!). Always grasping points here, saving them there. Overspending mostly, promising myself that tomorrow I'd stick to my points. I couldn't wait until Leo was 6 months old when I'd decided that was an ok timescale to stop breastfeeding and go back to the Cambridge Diet.

Over New Year I think it was, I read about Beyond Chocolate in my subscription magazine Psychologies. It sounded good, but I'd dismissed it as expensive without even finding out the prices. After LighterLife I knew that all "the answers" were expensive.

Then in March, after breaking my heart and posting on an internet forum, a wonder lady called Rache told me that Beyond Chocolate was really worth a try, and asked me if I had seen their book. I hadn't but I ordered it that afternoon, after she promised me it wasn't about "Embracing your Fat Self" and staying fat but not minding that. When the book arrived, I read it in one day. Just reading the introduction and I was sold. I had The Answer in my hands.

And for once, it really is the answer. The pain is going, the binging is gone, the overeating is finally an exception instead of the norm. I'm not "cured" by any means, but I don't think you ever are cured of this. I still struggle with my feelings. I don't know how to deal with things when I'm bored or lonely but I don't actually want to do anything about it. I don't want to be making friends or taking up a new hobby, I'm fine enjoying my own company but I want that general unease to go away. I'll get there.

And I'm hungry! Well, not right now. We had triangle sandwiches, mini pizzas, sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on sticks followed by birthday cake with jelly and icecream. I'm stuffed! But tomorrow I won't be very hungry, and then I'll probably feel a little hungry in the afternoon. I love feeling hungry. It makes me feel alive. That sounds a little silly, but I think anyone who has been through this knows what I mean.

It's good to feel connected.

And I am still breastfeeding! And I love it. I have a life, I have a baby and I am ok now. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had just enjoyed those early days instead of fretting.

Can't wait for the next one now. Hehe. But not for a while - had a coil fitted on Monday. Non-hormonal - I won't have any hormones messing with my appetite anymore!

Title inspiration?

I have no title inspiration today.
My mum rang my Dad about the issue with him getting married. My sister was just as distressed by it all as I was, so my mum offered to gently raise the issue with my Dad so that he is aware of our feelings. I'm glad she did. I'm too scared to rock the boat, so having her support really makes the difference.

Foodwise things are ok. I don't really have much to say on it all really, which is dull for the rest of you IEers who read my blog and support me. We have been broke for the last week or so though, which means the abundance side of things is lacking, and therefore the cravings are on the up but in a way it's nice to explore this side of things. I did have Haagen Dazs mini pots of icecream for dinner on Thursday night though. Yum! It was nice to be broke but still have ice-cream, because I didn't have to pay for a dinner I didn't want but felt compelled to eat as I have in the past.

I've been going over the e-course work this week. It's even brought up some new things that I hadn't discovered before. I think the "I want, I need, I desire" exercise is my favourite. It seems I definitely have a real conflict of wanting to be noticed in a positive light, but also wanting to be alone. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive though.

Learning to eat intuitively has really forced me into living intuitively. I can't ignore my feelings because they won't go away, and I'm not prepared to risk hiding them under food anymore, nor do I want to take up drinking, smoking, risky sex or gambling! I found the concept of living intuitively a little "hippyish" when I first discovered IE but now I'm discovering that actually it's just a state of being confident.

Valuing yourself brings an automatic boost of self esteem. I also feel compelled to honour my needs, wants and desires. Obviously this isn't always practical - I can't afford those gorgeous shoes every week, but I can feel that I am worth spending time and money on when I can afford it. And in terms of time, making sure I can afford to spend time on myself because I need it and I am worth it.

I can't wait until I am a real Chocolate Fairy and can start spreading the magic fairy dust, so to speak.

Hurting

Excuse my probably OTT reactions, I've only just heard the news and I'm reacting emotionally and probably being unreasonable.
My parents are divorced. My Dad has always been rubbish. At the most we seem him once a month. He doesn't see the importance of coming to visit when my children have birthdays. At the same time, he is always saying he is proud of me, my husband, my children, that he is glad to be a grandparent to such lovely boys etc. I assume his uselessness is laziness rather than malicious.
Today he called to announce he is getting married some time after next April. No problem except I didn't even know he was with anyone, except through hearsay from my grandma (his mum). He previously broke up with this woman because she was manipulating him financially and emotionally. That was about 18 months ago. I've got no idea how long they have been back together, I only heard the rumours last week.
His uselessness is always upsetting me. He's always letting me down, but because he doesn't mean to I brush it aside and forgive him. Nobody is perfect, I don't expect him to be. I feel this is one step too far. He openly admitted he didn't tell anyone he was back with her because he wanted to keep it a secret in case it all went wrong. I hate this woman. She has been rude to me and to my sister (including about my house, about my children, about my mothering ability, about my sister's size (she's a size 12, woman is at least a 16)). She was also rude to my husband's best man at my wedding, and left the wedding reception without saying goodbye to anyone, including my dad.
I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to come up and see us when my dad comes. I don't want her mail sent here (my dad's does as he lives on a narrow boat as he's on the road 5 days a week) when she moves in with him. I don't want to go to their wedding. I don't even want to pretend I'm ok with it anymore.
But I don't want to cause a rift. I don't want to be the one holding a grudge, but I don't want to see her, talk about her or for her to have any contact with my children.

I feel sick to my stomach. I've lost my appetite, but for some reason ate my dinner anyway. I am hurting so much. Hurting because I've been deceived, hurting because he's letting me down, hurting for all the times I know he's going to let me down in the future as he's always worse when he's in a relationship. Hurting because I'm not a priority for him the way I am for my mother and the way my children are for me and my husband. Hurting because I was stupid enough to honour him by giving my son his name as a middle name and he doesn't deserve it. Hurting because I'm too scared to admit that he's shit and I hate him and I don't want anything to do with him yet at the same time I don't want to lose him, or rather the person he could be if he just tried.

I'm feeling a desire to fill myself with food, yet I know it won't work so I can't do it and I don't know how else to make this pain go away.

Off on holiday!

We're going away for the weekend with the children and H's parents. I get on with them well, but I'm worrying about this being the first time in 18 months and the first time during my IE journey that I've not had control over what I'm eating. We've been using up the food in the house rather than buying more, and I'm beginning to find I would rather go hungry than eat something that doesn't "fit" (and yes, this really is me, I haven't been abducted and replaced ). Not sure how that will go down. I don't want to be seen as faddy, but I need to be true to myself.

The old faithful "I'm not hungry, but thankyou anyway" is good for the odd meal, but for 4 days?

Hmm.
I'm sure I'll be fine. These things always seem like they will be worse than they actually are.