God I'm good

*toot toot toot* <-- Me blowing my own trumpet :OD

I got 77%!! The number of minor mistakes (mostly typos) is hilarious, but I got 77% after spending a couple of hours doing an assignment that should have taken 12 hours!!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!
And finally we have some cash, so I am going to get a bottle of wine and some lovely fish for dinner to celebrate. Yummety yum!

Rubbishy Rubbishness

Went to see my doctor this morning. I'm being referred to the Psychiatric team because I'm still not improving and over the last month or so I've got considerably worse. Utterly determined not to let this affect either my OU work or my BC fairy course in April. Though saying that, I had a mad rush to get my assignment in tonight. I submitted it with 3 minutes to go, though I think I did a good job considering the circumstances. I got a 79% on my first assignment. I will be happy with anything above 65% but realistically expecting somewhere between 50-65%.
The doctor gave me a questionnaire to rate how bad the symptoms are and I got 22 out of 27, so quite high. I have no appetite again.
I am also having some binge type desires that I'm not entirely sure are linked to the weight loss thing. I want to eat when I feel hard done by, and I wanted to eat tonight to celebrate getting my assignment in but we didn't have anything I felt like eating. I'm also very aware that eating doesn't work the way it used to anymore so it would be utterly pointless as it wouldn't even be a comfort, which makes the desires all the more confusing.

Ordered £32 worth of stuff from Avon though, so hopefully that will cheer me up a little when it arrives on the 12th. I bought some red lipstick and nail polish (my favourite colour), a teal eyeliner/eyeshadow duo thing as I always wear neutral colours and wanted to try something difference, and a tamagotchi pet thing LOL. I'm such a kid. I'm sure it will be rubbish, but it's only a fiver and I'm sure Toby will use it if I don't. Still, the thought of treating myself to something silly like that brings a smile to my face which is worth a whole lot more than a fiver at the moment :O)

Geneen Roth

I've just been flicking through some of the sections I'd underlined in Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. Some of the things Geneen says almost moved me to tears. When I read the book normally, it felt kind and comfortable, but picking out the best statements and reading them without the bumf really shows how amazing that woman is. She really writes from the heart, and it's like she's talking to you the way a mother should.

One part that particularly stuck out for me tonight was this, on how to be after a binge.

" It is crucial that you be KIND to yourself, that you be kinder to yourself now than you have been in a long time. This is when you need yourself the most. Don't leave. Your are most prone to self-condemnation, punishment, deprivation at this time, and if you let yourself fall into that trap, you'll be lost until you can muster the compassion the retreive yourself. Do something wonderful ... You need to let yourself know that you still believe in yourself."

There is so much wisdom in that book. I don't think I could ever repay her for the change she has made to my life.

Big Fat MWAH

To all the lovely ladies who left me comments on my last post :O) It's lovely to feel so supported.
Happily I am not at all affected by other peoples' weight worries. It hadn't even crossed my mind this year that I should be slim at Christmas. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less what my family think of my weight and if they think rude comments then it says more about them than me. I hadn't noticed how good it is to be free of those dieting deadlines.
I seem to have lost my hunger signal again. It's not too bad and I think it is related to the depression, which has taken a horrible turn. Think I need to try some different antidepressants as these seem to be making things worse rather than better.
I've had a couple of struggles over the last few days - a bit of a push me pull me, again originating from an "I shouldn't eat this" as usual. I start second guessing myself as to whether I should eat something or not, and with the lack of hunger signal it's hard to feel like I'm making the right decision. It hasn't resulted in a binge though so I must be doing ok.

And in other news - it's nearly Christmas!! Yay!! I saw the Coca-Cola advert, and we're going to get a Christmas tree on Sunday, a real one! I can't wait. I sorted out all the decorations the day before yesterday, though I seem to have lost a load. Not that I need an excuse to buy more. I bought some gorgeous Gisela Graham ones from John Lewis last year, they are beautiful. I also managed to win an auction on eBay for a beautiful fabric advent calendar. It's the same one that my step-grandmother made for me as a child from a kit that can't be bought anymore. It only cost me £6.50 as well. Bargain!

I've begun planning the Christmas Day evening buffet as we have all the family over. It's so nice to be allowed to eat whatever I want without guilt and without regret the next morning. I've got some fantastic ideas and I can't wait to get started shopping and preparing it.

That's about all. I'm sooo tired and I have so much studying to do before my assignment on Tuesday so I better get cracking.

Brain twisting.

Gah. So, losing weight that is obvious in clothes sizes seem to result in the same effect that losing weight on the scales seems to have. I want to eat more. Al recommended I do the fat conversation thing again which I think will be a good idea. I also came up with another possible explanation as I was walking yesterday but I've forgotten what it was now. Useful, aren't I!

I've been writing my Christmas list this week. I found a gorgeous pair of knee high boots in Clarks.

I went to try them on this evening and they won't zip up over my fat calves. Strangely, I am not having a go at myself the way I used to. I am, however, really upset. And angry. Though I'm not sure who I'm angry at or why. I'm definitely fed up about that. I've wanted them for weeks and now there is no point getting them.
I'm still feeling positive that this is working for me. I am in size 18 jeans again, albeit with hold-it-all-in pants. I think there is definitely a feeling of impatience. When I gave up the scales, I started to give up the intense desire to lose weight. Weightloss has always been non-negotiable; it had to happen, but the intensity was diminishing. This week, when I realised I was really losing weight, it brought that desire back. I tasted success, it tasted good and I wanted more. I'd lost the patience, and the bad food habits/incessant gremlin niggling came back scarily fast.

I'm in for the long haul. This makes me feel so free and so happy, even the crap days are never as crap as they used to be. Only five months til fairy training starts! :O)

Being ok

I'm doing ok with my eating still. It feels odd though, like I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I know this is something I'll have to work on continuously albeit at a less involved level. Before I couldn't even contemplate the idea of missing a meal. Whether I was hungover, sick, tired, had nothing in the house that I fancied, I'd eat anyway. Plus snacks. I was always hungry. These days, I'm hardly ever hungry. My emotional needs aren't getting met as much as I'd like, but the desire to eat has gone now that I've dealt with that "emotional discomfort never gets solved with food" thing.
In a way, it's a little scary as I can't hide from my emotions like I did before. Eating something doesn't even distract me anymore in the way it did. That's good though. That's where I want to be. That is exactly the reason that intuive eating has been such a journey for me. While on the surface it seems to be about having the willpower to follow the principles, it isn't. It's about separating yourself from the crutch that eating has become.
We're brought up in a society that inadvertantly creates disordered eating patterns. Learning how to eat now seems to me to be as important as learning how to walk or talk, and just as difficult. And I've learnt that making mistakes is not a negative thing. I now see them as discovering boundaries. If I make a mistake with IE, I've just discovered something new about myself or my eating habits. Putting it like that makes me realise that it's impossible to do IE without making mistakes. I think it was Thomas Edison that said "I haven't failed, I've just found many ways that don't work".
Ah ha, here we go, the exact quote -

"I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in
proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that
will not work, I will find the way that will work." –Edison.

That is definitely a quote that reflects my journey with intuitive eating. When I discovered Beyond Chocolate, I never believed that my life would change so much. I thought I was just going to eat better and lose weight. I never thought I'd have to change so much, to acknowledge myself and my feelings all the time. And now it seems absurd that I had been ignoring myself my whole life. I need looking after and I deserve to be looked after, not by other people but by myself.
That part is massive. And so, so difficult. I still find it extremely hard to ask for help. I've often been praised for being independent, so I think I interpreted that as it being a good thing to be able to cope alone, and so by asking for help I'd be giving up the image of being independent or self sufficient. That's what I need to work on now.
In other news, my depression has taken another turn for the worse. I was taking too many tablets for a few weeks - 150mg imipramine as my prescription, but I was still taking 100mg dosulepin. Now I've run out of dosulepin and I'm falling to pieces. I went to see my doctor again yesterday and she's increased my dose of imipramine to 200mg. I wanted to tell her that I'd been taking too many tablets but I couldn't. I think I might need someone to come with me next time if the increased dose of imipramine doesn't help so that I can put the 150mg imip + 100mg dosulepin idea to her. I suspect the answer will be no (which is why I'm scared to ask!), but it really worked before and I felt like myself again. We'll see anyway.

Happy Birthday Leo!

Today my baby boy is one year old. Already! I am in shock I think LOL. This last year has been momentous for me. I started my pregnancy a size 10, quickly going up to a 12 with the bloating/bump plus the all inclusive holiday weight that we went on the week before I found out I was pregnant. By the end of my pregnancy I was a size 18, yet I didn't know this until after I gave birth. I was mortified. I was (and still am!) over the moon was my son, so totally and utterly in love with him, the second he was placed onto my chest. The first words I managed were a breathless "Oh my gosh, I love him already".
Then two days later I decided to brave clothes, and being generous to myself, tried a size 14. I figured I'd need bigger jeans to allow for the post-baby bulge. They wouldn't even go up to my mid-thighs.
I couldn't understand it. It made no sense. I'd been wearing size 10/12 maternity clothes the whole time. Nobody had commented on my weight throughout my pregnancy. I couldn't possibly be a size 16! The idea was ridiculous. I had no choice but to drag myself to Next and buy the 16s. Better try them on first I thought. They wouldn't do up. Size 18?! I've never been a size 18. Size 18 was past my size 16 (the biggest my mum ever was) "limit".

I bought the size 18 jeans. I had no choice. I had nothing to wear. I wore size 16 tops though. I wasn't a size 18, I was a size 16/18. It's different. I wouldn't buy a coat because the size 16 coats wouldn't do up. I spent the winter quite cold!

Nine days after giving birth to Leo, I felt so terrible about my size that I joined WeightWatchers online. I was back to points, and thank god breastfeeding allowed so many extra points because I was overloading food to push away the feeling of shame that came with my new size. The feeling of being a complete and utter failure. Nothing else mattered. I was fat. Again.

The Diet started every single day. I didn't wait for Mondays or Tuesdays (the new Mondays dontcha know!). Always grasping points here, saving them there. Overspending mostly, promising myself that tomorrow I'd stick to my points. I couldn't wait until Leo was 6 months old when I'd decided that was an ok timescale to stop breastfeeding and go back to the Cambridge Diet.

Over New Year I think it was, I read about Beyond Chocolate in my subscription magazine Psychologies. It sounded good, but I'd dismissed it as expensive without even finding out the prices. After LighterLife I knew that all "the answers" were expensive.

Then in March, after breaking my heart and posting on an internet forum, a wonder lady called Rache told me that Beyond Chocolate was really worth a try, and asked me if I had seen their book. I hadn't but I ordered it that afternoon, after she promised me it wasn't about "Embracing your Fat Self" and staying fat but not minding that. When the book arrived, I read it in one day. Just reading the introduction and I was sold. I had The Answer in my hands.

And for once, it really is the answer. The pain is going, the binging is gone, the overeating is finally an exception instead of the norm. I'm not "cured" by any means, but I don't think you ever are cured of this. I still struggle with my feelings. I don't know how to deal with things when I'm bored or lonely but I don't actually want to do anything about it. I don't want to be making friends or taking up a new hobby, I'm fine enjoying my own company but I want that general unease to go away. I'll get there.

And I'm hungry! Well, not right now. We had triangle sandwiches, mini pizzas, sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on sticks followed by birthday cake with jelly and icecream. I'm stuffed! But tomorrow I won't be very hungry, and then I'll probably feel a little hungry in the afternoon. I love feeling hungry. It makes me feel alive. That sounds a little silly, but I think anyone who has been through this knows what I mean.

It's good to feel connected.

And I am still breastfeeding! And I love it. I have a life, I have a baby and I am ok now. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had just enjoyed those early days instead of fretting.

Can't wait for the next one now. Hehe. But not for a while - had a coil fitted on Monday. Non-hormonal - I won't have any hormones messing with my appetite anymore!