Silence

The house is silent. Ben is out in town with his friend and the children are tucked up in bed. I don't like silence much, I find it a bit eerie.
We got a Wii! I've been playing with it tonight while Ben has been out. I've played table tennis, bowling, boxing, tennis, golf and snooker, I've fished, raced round a track on a cows back and knocked down scarecrows and flown around a galaxy with Mario :OD
I've also felt a bit more in tune with my body tonight. I'm feeling a bit larger, though I think the time of year is getting to me slightly. Realising that I will be seeing a lot of family that I haven't seen for two years, and in that time I have gone from a 10 to a 20 and then back down to an 18. All they will see is the increase from 10 to 18, and then I'll be telling them that I'm going to teach people how to lose weight without dieting. I can just imagine what they'll be thinking because I would have thought it myself. Not good.
But, I did feel hungry today for the first time in a while. I think my depression is still slowly getting worse so my appetite is mostly non-existant again, but tonight I felt hungry. Perhaps even too hungry maybe since I wasn't bothered what I ate as long as it stopped me from being hungry? I ate mindfully though, mostly, and I didn't overate. I hate overeating now and find it almost alien that I have lived for the past five years, if not more, living my whole day-to-day life overeating. In fact I think I would struggle to overeat even if I tried. The food doesn't taste nice, I don't feel good physically, I feel bad emotionally as I know the physical draining feeling will continue for a couple of hours... it's not worth it anymore.
Now I'm here, I can see the Beyond Chocolate tools simply as tools. They were a little out there - letting yourself overeat if you need to for example, but it was a necessary step to get me out of a hole. Until I could open my eyes enough to really see how it feels to overeat, I never could have stopped it. I still remember the night when I decided to "sod it" and just throw myself into the BC principles. I remember it feeling like I'd just jumped out of a plane, and then I remember climbing into bed with a load of food and getting stuck in, mindfully of course, and then out of nowhere, I wanted to stop. I think I perhaps ate a yoghurt and a half, or maybe two, and then I was done. There I was, convinced I would have eaten myself out of house and home given half the chance and then fifteen minutes later I was done. What kind of a poor effort was that :OD
I still can't thank Sophie & Audrey and Geneen enough. I don't think there is anything I can do to repay them for what they have done for me. It feels awkward to have this intense emotion and not know what to do with it. I almost feel like I want to grab them by the shoulders and say "But you dont get it! I am SO GRATEFUL for what you have done for me!!", but of course that would just be plain silly.

Just 4 more sleeps til Christmas. I am so not ready for it this year. It feels like it should be at least a couple more months away. My best friend's baby is due in the middle of January too and that has just flown by as well. I think perhaps a part of it is due to my depression - the only way I can get through each day is to be as self absorbed as possible as too much reaching out to others exhausts me mentally, emotionally and physically. So the weeks fly by without me really noticing, which is sad, but even more so while I have young children.