Old Myspace Entries

I just wanted to copy these across. This is from the 2nd January this year.

I can't take credit for this as it was written by the lovely Rache but it struck a chord with me, currently being some 3 stones above my preferred weight.

Being overweight can feel like one of the saddest of life's problems because it's the one you can't hide. If you're overweight then you can't stop everyone looking at you and wondering why you're the way you are. Is she depressed? Is she lazy? Is she unmotivated? Doesn't she have a sex life? Doesn't she care? Isn't her health suffering? Is she just a slob? Everyone else can keep life's difficulties under their hat, but if you're overweight it's there for the world to see.

Standing in a queue you can't tell a wife beater from a burnt out trader on cocaine from a potential mass murderer or a child abuser. But an overweight woman who has gained a few stone through a few years of bad eating habits as her problem clearly on display. And it makes her a easy target.

It makes me so sad to have my fears confirmed: that a lot of thin people do think I'm a lesser person for being overweight. I'm lucky in that my self esteem does not revolve around how I look but I'd be lying if I said it never crossed my mind. It doesn't help to hear all of this though; and it certainly doesn't make me want to do anything about it. It just makes me want to eat.

And this one is from the 10th April. I read Beyond Chocolate in full on the 26th March.

I'm not on my no food diet anymore.I woke up on Day Three, and the thought of not being able to breastfeed Leo anymore just about killed me.
So I'm still fat.
It's not cool to be fat, and I don't think it's cool to care about it either but I do. I hate it. I hate that everywhere I go, everyone I see can look at me and see that I have a problem.
I'm working on it.
But for now I'm sad.

In a way it's sad to read. Sad to see how much my size was overshadowing everything else in my life. Nothing mattered much apart from the fact that I was (am) fat. But it is also good to read. Good to see how far I have come, good to see that I am building a life now, away from that awful obsession (both with my size and with my food).

It can be easy to forget how far you have come sometimes. When you find yourself, six months later still without that perfect relationship with food and size that you can't help imagining at first, it's easy to beat yourself up for taking to long, still being this size, still relying on food.

I am reading Beyond a Shadow of Diet at the moment, which is actually aimed at therapists treating clients, but the authors wrote in one chapter that if all we had to do was be told what to do, then we wouldn't have a problem in the first place. It reminded me that it's ok to find this hard sometimes, it's ok to be frustrated with myself, but that it's ok to be where I am. I'm still trying, that's what counts.

Sieve-head

Yes, that's me. With all the excitement of my interview, I completely forgot to even mention the BCers meet in Manchester on Sunday.

Well, it started off with a real bang. Literally. I crashed my car and it was all my fault! What a div :OD I was too busy looking at all the signs and traffic lights and listening to my husband's silly sat nav and ended up turning straight in front of a car pulling away from the traffic lights and he ended up going into the side of my car. So that was £300 down the drain!

Then I picked Amy up, and we drove for miles around the M60 before we finally came to the turn off for the Trafford Centre. We met Liz and Elizabeth in Starbucks and had a drink before we went to dinner at Carluccio's. Al joined us there. Poor Lesley hurt her back and couldn't make it, and somehow we managed to miss Jean even though we were all in the same Starbucks at the same time, and it was probably the smallest Starbucks I've ever been in!

The menu looked fantastic, and it's was difficult to decide what to have! In the end, I decided on the pan fried sea bass with tomato salsa and sauteed potatoes. Yum! After that I had some Italian cheeses with Italian bread, and then a ciocolatta fiorentina which was thick, hot chocolate sauce served like an espresso. Gorgeous.

After that we had a look around the shops as I think everyone had at least one thing they wanted to pick up. I managed to buy some shoes my interview in record time, but sadly the damage to my feet from wearing them is still visible!

All in all, a fab day and I can't wait for the next one!

Lovely trip

I have just arrived home from my trip to London. The hotel was lovely and had a decent restaurant attached too. I got chatting to another guy who was dining on his own and he had come down from Nottingham too! It was slightly odd dining alone, but an experience I have wanted to try for a while. It was strange having no alternative other than to focus on my food. I am getting better at doing nothing else but eating, but I still often prefer to be doing two things at once. I had a plate of olives to nibble on, followed by duck confit with mashed potatoes, garlic, cannellini and green beans with rioja sauce. I was going to have a plate of cheese and crackers afterwards but I was delightfully satisfied so I decided not to have anything else.

I ate alone again this morning, but I couldn't find anything I really wanted to eat. In the end I opted for a sausage, a rasher of bacon, some mushrooms and some grilled tomatoes and a bowl of fruit salad. It didn't quite hit the spot though, sadly.

I got on fine with the tube and thankfully it wasn't at all rushed or crammed like it had been on my previous trips to London. I wore my lovely new shoes, but they were killing me by the time I got back to the hotel to pick up my overnight bag. It was such a relief to get my trusty flip flops back on!

I think the interview went well. It was really quite informal. It was just me and Sophie as Audrey expecting a baby soon. She was cooking something delicious that both Sophie and I caught a whiff of as I was leaving. Yum! We were sat on big pink beanbags in the new office and we chatted about my history, my work with the computer business that I run with my husband, the training course, what being a Chocolate Fairy involves, and plans for the future of Beyond Chocolate. The plans for expanding the company and what they offer is very exciting and I can't wait to see it come into action!

After my interview I went back to the hotel to fetch my bag and went to grab some lunch. I had an emmental and mushroom panini with a bottle of water.

My fingers are well and truly crossed. I felt that the chocolate fairy position would be a fantastic thing to do before my interview and meeting Sophie and hearing what she had to say about it all has made me even more excited!

Catching up...

I'm still around! I've been really busy this week with Toby being back at pre-school, starting my tai chi classes, and I've bought loads of books that I am ploughing my way through.

The Manchester meet is on Sunday and I am so excited about it! It will be great to finally meet some of the people that have truly enriched my intuitive eating experience. Then on Monday evening I'll be travelling down to London and staying overnight before my Chocolate Fairy training interview on Tuesday. Good luck vibes would be greatly appreciated!

All the course materials for the Level One course towards my psychology degree arrived yesterday as well. It looks fascinating and I can't wait til it starts (Oct 6th). We have been given an introductory booklet to work through in the meantime, focusing on how to read and take notes effectively.

As for my eating, it's mostly going ok. I am still finding myself restricting myself without really noticing, and it's hard to get out of the cycle. I restrict myself, so I crave, then I tell myself I am only craving because I am restricting so I resist so I crave more and so on... I find I have to really, honestly let myself have what I want to have (which feels really scary) and sometimes I notice that almost immediately the craving subsides because I never really wanted it in the first place, but sometimes I eat it anyway. I'm getting much better at not having a go at myself though, which really helps things.

I bought a copy of Beyond Chocolate for my mum but she hasn't said anything about it, so I think that maybe she's not convinced it is a viable solution for her. It is hard though when she is always beating herself up publically for having gained 1-7lbs. I don't want her to be going through that pain that I'm sure most serial dieters go through, but I guess intuitive eating is something you really need to believe in.

I can't believe I'm almost at the end of my e-course already! It has been fantastic so far, even though I am taking it a little slower than the course runs at. I am pretty sure I'm going to sign up for the Guru Club after the e-course has finished. The sense of security that you get from knowing that there is always someone there to help is fantastic, really reassuring.

And talking of things going fast, it's almost time to start preparing for Christmas! I'm not sure what we will be doing this year. We went away last year which I absolutely loved, but the family were slightly offended so we won't be doing that this year. Ben is planning a weekend trip for just the two of us in December to celebrate our second wedding anniversary. I have been given a list of seven places that it could be. It started off as a huge list, and he asked me to pick the places I want to go to the most, and we got down to the final seven and that was as far as he was prepared to go! It will be one of: New York, Quebec, the Hebrides, Edinburgh, Paris, Reykjavik or Riga!

And my little baby will be one next month! That is unbelievable at the moment. Leo is definitely more of a baby than Toby was, though I suspect that is my own perception rather than him actually appearing younger to everyone else. He is a skinny malink though - he's still wearing 6-9 month clothing, bless him.

Well I think I've rambled on for long enough...
Byeee!

End of the summer!

Already! Can you believe it? I can't.
Still, I'm a winter girl at heart so I'm excited. Organizedchristmas.com has already started it's Holiday Grand Plan. I feel naughty for being tempted to join them. Heehee!

Toby is back at preschool on Tuesday. The holidays haven't been great as I haven't been too well this summer, but I'm hanging in there. I've got a lot to look forward to and I know it will go away in time.

I joined the local doctors and the local library last week. I had a medical check up, and they needed to know what I weigh. I told her I didn't want to know, and that I was aware I was obese, verging on morbidly obese but it was important that I didn't know what I weigh. She didn't tell me, but my BMI flashed up on her screen. 31.4. Lower than I expected! Last time I weighed myself, I knew my BMI was climbing and I think it was somewhere around 34/35 but I was too scared to find out. So, I must be losing weight!

It makes sense. I have been doing well with IE lately (hence the lack of blogging, nothing much to say!) so while the real success is my relaxed relationship with food, I was still surprised by the inevitable weight loss.

I have also joined the library - something I have been to shy to do for a long time! Silly really as the librarian was fantastic and I now have White Teeth, Shopaholic and Baby and Chocolate Girls to get stuck into. I have started White Teeth already and I can't believe I waited seven years to read it. It's brilliant already and I'm only on chapter two!

I've had some good food finds recently too! I found Rococo dark chocolate with cardomom in Waitrose yesterday, and tonight I found that Ikea sell the Lingonberry syrup for their lingonberry juice that I love! I picked up some sachets for the cream sauce and a jar of lingonberry sauce too so that we don't have to go all the way to Ikea for meatballs now!!

Not long now til the Beyond Chocolate meet and I can't wait! I am so excited to meet everyone. And my new exercise movement classes start this week too. And I got my appointment through for the Mother & Baby assessment unit for therapy sessions. Now I remember why I blog - it shows the negative thoughts are merely thoughts, and the positive things get plonked into one place and everything feels brighter!

:O)

Size 20 Jeans

I haven't been around much recently but I think the last time I was worrying about buying size 20 jeans.

Well, I went and did it and although I walked out of the shop feeling a litle I can say today that I feel I am so comfortable, the jeans are a little loose and I do need a belt, but my 18s were always digging in to my tummy, making me feel slightly full even when I hadn't eaten all day!

I haven't burned the label, in fact I starting to actually like it. Wearing my "fat jeans" has become my fingers up to the dieting industry.

And as for my mum (I couldn't bare to tell her I'm a size 20 when she thinks I'm a 14/16) she commented that I look like I had lost weight, even though I hadn't (and still haven't) told her what size my jeans are. I don't know whether I have lost weight or not, although I must admit that last week when I tried on the jeans I was dying to get on the scales to see where my weight is now.

But what does that figure tell me? Not that I am worth more or less, simply that I am learning to look after myself, after years of punishing myself with food.

Chilling out

I have had a rubbishy week this last week. Too much stress, Leo is finally teething and Toby is home because of the school holidays, and Ben has my car so I don't really have anywhere to go.

Intuitive eating wise things are going ok. I can't remember the last time I binged (she says, clearly tempting fate!), I haven't really been bothered by food this last week, it's all been quite boring. I'm not sure this is a good thing, but I just can't find the motivation to find something I really want to eat, and when I do find the motivation, nothing comes. I feel like I could live off air quite happily! I think I am finally getting to grips with this hungry signal though. I'm not sure about it as it is insanely subtle, though I guess it will get stronger the more I wait for it. I don't really feel anything, except my mouth feels empty and my stomach feels light. Food definitely tastes more "vibrant" when I get this.

I have been re-reading my "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating" book by Geneen Roth again, and underlining the things that stand out for me and making notes at the back. I did the same with my Beyond Chocolate book as well. It's handy to just be able to look at the back and find the exact page I need for how I am feeling. I think underlining/highlighting parts also makes me read the book more closely and I get more out of it. It's such a fantastic book, especially the chapters on judgement.

The only other thing this week is clothes sizes. I went to buy some trousers and I needed a size 20. I found it so upsetting I couldn't buy the trousers, just left the store and drove home trying not to cry. It symbolises so much for me, both bad and good but I wasn't strong enough to face up to it all on Friday. Thank heavens for the girls on the Beyond Chocolate forum coming to my rescue. I now feel like I can go and buy the trousers, cut out and burn the label and get on with my life!

I think I am having a very introspective week. I feel like I want to push the whole world away and just concentrate on myself. That sounds a little selfish but I am coming to learn that the need for isolation and self-care is an extremely important one, even if it is not valued in the slightest in this culture. I have been losing myself in my Sims2 game - it's nice to be able to switch off sometimes :O)