Treating Myself

Finding ways to treat myself without food being the focus is coming quite easily to me, which I found really surprising. I've just had a bit of a shopping spree with Amazon and have bought the following:
Breaking Free from Emotional Eating
Body Confidence: Loving Your Body Is Only a Thought Away
When You Eat at the Refrigerator
Fat, So?
The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment
Beyond Chocolate: How to Stop Yo-yo Dieting and Lose Weight for Good (for my mum)
The Diet Survivor's Handbook: 60 Lessons in Eating, Acceptance and Self-care

I'm so excited to receive them! Also I've got fresh flowers in my living room from my best friend and in my kitchen from my husband.

I've also had an email to say the Good Food Show tickets are on sale so after I've checked with my husband I'll hopefully get to buy some tickets to see Gordon Ramsey.

I still treat myself with a biscuit or a square of chocolate sometimes, but I think food does have it's place in this way once you are calmer about having legalised them. For me now, eating a biscuit is no different to eating an apple and I treat myself with a bowl of strawberries and grapes just as often.

It sounds awful but I'm waiting for it all to go wrong as it all seems to have come together for me over the last two weeks or so. I don't feel deprived when I'm waiting to be hungry, I'm much less bothered by "bad" foods, I'm getting better at eating for body hunger instead of tastebud hunger and I have almost shaken myself free of the all-or-nothing approach to food. I just feel calm, relaxed and released.

To think that a month ago I was doing the BC Diet, trying to follow all the principles all the time and berating myself if I didn't follow it to the letter is almost slipping from my memory.

Hopefully now this peace will stay and I will be able to move onto the body image and self-support side of Beyond Chocolate. I am still quite disappointed by my body and I really struggle to ask for help, but I feel excited by the fact that I know it will come with time.

I had my feedback from Sophie on the first week's worksheet. It was quite complimentary and I could feel myself grinning and blushing as I read it. One thing she pointed out was that I said I felt purposeless and I hate my attraction to the superficial and material. Then she asked me what would give me a purpose, what would I do if there were no restrictions and for a second I was dreaming of the life-long holiday image of running off to start again in a foreign country. Then bringing myself back down to earth, I know what it is. I can think of no better purpose for me to be working with women the way Sophie does.

It was when I joined LighterLife that I first realised the perfect job for me would be in helping women to overcome their issues with food. Unfortunately at the time I couldn't afford the £12K it cost to become a LighterLife counsellor, though with hindsight I can see that is a fortunate thing. A few weeks ago, I was emailed an announcement to say that Chocolate Fairy training applications are being taken. I am nervous, and my initial reaction seemed to come from my chatterbox, the negative LittleMy-like creature telling me not to even bother applying. What would be the point? I wouldn't get the job. I don't have any official qualifications apart from GCSEs and a Childminding Practise certificate. I haven't worked as a counsellor or anything like that.

Somehow I managed to open up to my husband and tell him about this. He pointed out that my life hasn't been on hold over the last 3.5 years. I have so many skills that I have learned through becoming a mother to our two children, supporting our family and working on our computer repair and sales business together with my husband. I have also supported my mother through a traumatic time. I have learned to connect with people regardless of age and background. And I learn from reading a lot of books. And most importantly I want it, I want to help people overcome the dieting rat race, more than anything.

So later this week, I will be treating myself to the chance to be a Chocolate Fairy :O)

I'm joining a bellydancing class

Belly dancing is one of the things I told myself I would do once I was slim. The truth is, I lost all the weight but I still put it off so I can only conclude that it wasn't really about being slim at all. Since joining Beyond Chocolate, I've begun to truly embrace the saying "Time waits for no woman".

I had been sat there thinking that for some reason, slim people have a right to go to these classes, but that I would need some kind of extra approval because I am obese. Yet when I put the situation on it's head, if I was a slim member of the class, would I really think "OMG, that lady is so fat, she has no right to be there, who does she think she is?". And I simply wouldn't. And, if there was someone there who did think that, would I really want to be taking orders from someone so shallow?

Of course I am still scared about starting the class in September, but I think that is because it symbolises so many things for me. It symbolises accepting my size, using something other than food to fulfill my needs, that I need want to make friends, that I am fascinated by bellydancing and that I have a new belief that anyone can do it regardless of size.It puts all of these beliefs in a vulnerable place, but I whilst I am scared I am willing to take the risk.

I read a good book recently called The Road Less Travelled and it is about taking risks means that you grow. Choosing to take the risk of facing up to the pain is a way to grow and develop your self instead of cutting yourself off and sitting in the place you know because you feel it is safer than the risks of learning or doing something new.

I think what it boils down to is that I could choose to hide myself away, but I'm beginning to see that take the leap of joining a bellydancing class by myself is probably less painful than sitting here with no friends and feeling lonely and rejected from society because of my size. I'm still only comitting to one class though!

I'm starting tai-chi in September as well. I like the fact that it isn't just about the body, but also about the mind and soul. I am really looking forward to joining both of these class :O)

Some thoughts on not buying "bad" foods

I've re-read my post about being in the dessert aisles a few times and thought I must be getting something wrong. How can I be legalising all foods if I think it is good when I choose not to buy the "bad" ones.

What I have decided is that it wasn't that I was pleased that I hadn't bought "bad" foods, it was that I have overcome my compulsion to buy and eat something sweet at the end of my savoury meal without checking if something sweet is what I want after my meal.

So it's not about bad vs. good and good winning, it's about tuning in to see what I really want and not feeling compelled to eating anything more just because that is what I have always done.

More discovery

After reading a post on the Beyond Chocolate forum, I think I might have discovered why it hurts so much to throw away food on my plate when I am full.

I think that is my old self, disappointed or frightened that I have rejected food as a way to cope. Throwing food away, for me, is a reflection that when I am hurting, I now have to feel the hurt instead of stuffing it down, and there is still a part of me that doesn't want to feel that hurt, and by eating the food that I don't need I stay in the place where I don't have to hurt.

I also realised that I don't love junk food like I thought I did. Even biscuits and crisps and chocolate, I only choose the real quality ones now. I get much more satisfaction from a handful of Tyrells crisps or a square of Green & Blacks chocolate than I ever did from cramming down the cheaper alternatives.I never understood that when I was dieting - I never got how one square of good chocolate could satisfy someone more than a whole bar of the cheap stuff. Now I realise that is because I wasn't satisfying my tastebuds or my hunger, I was trying to satisfy a big hole of unfulfillment and it worked for a while when I was eating to distract myself, so I thought it worked it the long term.

For me now, junk food is a way of punishing my body because generally it makes my body feel awful. Unsettled and overfull. Sometimes I might need a whole bar of good quality chocolate, sometimes I might need two or three, but I eat the good stuff and it's a way of rewarding my body for putting up with the abuse I gave it over the last five years. It's a rare occasion that I can comfortably put away a whole bar now though. And comfortably is the key word. If I zone out I can still binge, but being tuned in (which is almost automatic now) means that I can only fulfill my tummy hunger with food and that trying to fulfill some other hunger with food doesn't and won't ever work, not even in the short term.

Frustration

I am a little frustrated with myself this afternoon. I waited til I was hungry and found myself something I would enjoy eating but I ate too much. I got the signal but I still wanted more so I had two more mouthfuls and then I had two squares of dark chocolate.
It's silly really, and barely worth getting bothered about, but I'm a bit fed up that I know where I'm going wrong and I know what to do to fix it but it seems my inner child is still throwing tantrums when her dinner is being taken away.
Yet, maybe this is me on the verge of another breakthrough. I hope so. I have been feeling much happier with the challenges that intuitive eating brings lately. Most of the time I feel happy and released instead of deprived and trapped. I know I still have a long way to go, but it feels like a gentle stroll along the water's edge rather than a gruelling uphill slog.

I forgot to post on my blog last night, but wanted to copy the topic I posted on the Beyond Chocolate forum as it was another achievement for me.

Tonight I walked down the dessert aisles.
Yes, aisles.
The cream bun section, the chilled desserts, sundaes and yoghurts, the cakes and biscuits section, the chocolate bars section, the ice cream and frozen dessert aisles.And what did I come home with?
King prawns, linguine, extra virgin olive oil and a lemon which I had with black pepper from my cupboard.
Oh, I fib - I bought a bottle of Peartiser as well, no more listening to my husband tell me I must drink because it's Friday night!
No chocolate, no pudding, no icecream, and I don't even want any. I have chocolate mousses in my fridge, four bars of chocolate in my cupboard, icecream in my freezer and I forget it is there!
I appear to have been sucked into the Beyond Chocolate website and replaced with another self!

So I am progressing, I know I am, I'm just loving the buzz of realising I'm making progress and want to make more and more and more!

Stepping forwards again

I started my e-course today, and must admit I was initially disappointed to see that the first worksheet was something that was already in the book. However, when I actually sat down and did the worksheet, I was most surprised to discover that there was far more clarity in actually doing the exercise than I thought there would be.
I now see that the hate that I have for my larger size is probably linked to my desire to be dependent on someone (which I think is mostly reflected in eating a lot when I am lonely), but this conflicts with my desire to be independent as well, and that it is definitely linked to my feeling unfulfilled but not knowing how to fulfill myself, or believing that I don't have what it takes. Now I just feel sad for everyone who either hasn't found an intuitive eating path or doesn't believe it will work.

I seem to be stuck in a bit of a slump with my postnatal depression as well, but my husband is being truly wonderful and has sent me up to the bedroom with the laptop and some peace and quiet and I think I will be zonked out before 8pm tonight as I am so tired.

My thoughts on the principles

Tune in
I find tuning in easy now, and have recently learned to tune in to what my body wants as well as what my tastebuds want, leading to brocolli at 10pm one night, and just plain fruit for breakfast.
Stop when you are satisfied
I am generally quite good with this one. I struggled with it last night, but I have been under a lot of strain the last few days and I think I just needed to rebel a bit. I find the signal creeps up on me quite quickly.
Enjoy
I do this one quite well. I think it ties in mostly with tuning in and focusing, but I do try hard only to choose the things I truly want to eat and not be swayed by what others think I should or shouldn't eat.
Eat whatever you want
This one I am mostly good at, but I am aware that sometimes I place subconcious restrictions on myself. This morning it was "I shouldn't eat biscuits for breakfast". Funnily, it was somewhat right as when I properly tuned in I realised I wanted fresh, juicy fruit, but those sort of subconcious restrictions lead me to thinking I want something more than I really do.
Be your own guru
I am learning how to do this and seem to be starting to pick it up. It is this one that I find a real relief. I like trusting myself and standing on my own two feet, making decisions for myself etc. I'm finding it easier to reject "should's" from others and doing well with telling my inner gremlin to STFU
Put it on a plate, sit down and focus
This one is one that I try and do, but can sometimes be difficult. I often find myself daydreaming instead of focusing, and sometimes I still sit down and eat in front of the television or computer, but I am slowly starting to pause while I take a bite and eat, then read/watch tv, then pausing to take another bite and eat and I know gradually I will work up to just eating.
Eat when you are hungry
This one I find quite hard. I don't seem to have much of a hungry signal, it's more an absense of fullness/satiety. Every so often I try to wait as long as possible, but I am not too hard on myself when I do this otherwise I think I might end up binging.
Own your body
I am not good at this at all. I still really struggle with my size (I went from a size 10 to pregnancy to size 18!) and I find it hard to be affectionate towards my body at all. I have managed to bag up all the clothes that are too small for me and I have about 90% of my wardrobe made up of clothes that I like wearing, but that size 18 tag still chokes me and I desperately hate my stomach and sagging breasts.
Move
This one I am awful with. I am very unfit, and I know I need to move my membership from my old gym to my new gym as I have moved house. I love going to the gym, so it's not that, it's just that I am so tired and am dealing with a lot at the moment so it slips down the list. I have signed up to a tai-chi class that starts in September, and I am trying to find a local bellydancing class at a suitable time for me as well, but I'm not actively moving much at the moment.
Support yourself
This one I am the worst with. I never ask for help except for in a roundabout "I'm feeling awful" whine to my husband. I only have one friend (how sad!) and she works a lot. My sister is 18 and quite caught up in her own issues and I'm rubbish at asking anyone else for help. I suppose I have made a good start by joining the Beyond Chocolate e-course, and posting a diary on here but apart from that I tend to keep everything bottled up.