Moving.

OK, it's not quite finished but it's useable now.

So as of today, I'm officially moving to my own domain - http://www.neverhungryalwayshungry.co.uk/

See you there :O)

Merry Christmas

I have had a wonderful Christmas this year. On Christmas Eve as we had just finished the last minute jobs and crawled into bed at 1am I was dreading it. I didn't want to get up early, I didn't want to see any family, I just wanted to hide away and sleep through everything. Thankfully the feeling shifted about an hour after waking up.
Both boys loved opening their presents. Even Leo who is only 14 months old got stuck in tearing the paper. His favourite thing was a pair of maracas, and Toby's favourite thing was Leo's wooden trike :OD Typical! They've had a lovely time and are enjoying all of their presents.
I got those lovely boots after all. I even managed to get the left one to do up completely yesterday :OD It won't be long before they fit, and they are the most comfortable boots I have ever worn!
Among other things, I got "Feeding The Hungry Heart" by Geneen Roth and "The Craggy Hole in My Heart" but that one didn't arrive on time. I also got my very own domain name! So in a few days, this blog will be at http://www.neverhungryalwayshungry.co.uk !!
I got a box of chocolates from Hotel Chocolat and so far I've eaten one. I'm not hungry at all. I ate a little too much at Christmas dinner and I've eaten a little at each meal since but not much. I also haven't felt anxious that other people are eating all the good chocolates and leaving me with the rubbish ones. Most of the Quality Street and Cadbury's Heroes have gone now, but I don't mind. I'll just pick some up next time I go shopping. I am still always very pleased when I realise just how free I am now.
We're just going to have a quiet couple of days now - relaxing with eachother, playing with new toys and games and not having to stress about anything. I'm really looking forward to New Year's Eve. Every year since 2004 I've done a yearly recap of how each year has been and even though this year has been overshadowed with negative things, I am feeling very positive about what 2008 holds for me. By this time next year, I expect I'll be slimmer, plus I'll be three quarters of the way through my Chocolate Fairy course, I'll have completed my first OU course. I'm also excited about forming a new identity for myself. I've realised that I'm living beyond my years too much and I would like to change that. I want to take more pride in my appearance now that I can see that being fat doesn't mean there is no point to bother with the rest of how I look. I'm also now able to see that I need to put my needs higher than I do. Being a mother, particularly a young mother with a point to prove, doesn't mean I have to be some kind of beaten down martyr. Looking after myself means I'll feel more positive about life in general and passing that onto the rest of my family can only be a good thing.

It's been a while since I've felt such positive anticipation. Roll on 2008!

Silence

The house is silent. Ben is out in town with his friend and the children are tucked up in bed. I don't like silence much, I find it a bit eerie.
We got a Wii! I've been playing with it tonight while Ben has been out. I've played table tennis, bowling, boxing, tennis, golf and snooker, I've fished, raced round a track on a cows back and knocked down scarecrows and flown around a galaxy with Mario :OD
I've also felt a bit more in tune with my body tonight. I'm feeling a bit larger, though I think the time of year is getting to me slightly. Realising that I will be seeing a lot of family that I haven't seen for two years, and in that time I have gone from a 10 to a 20 and then back down to an 18. All they will see is the increase from 10 to 18, and then I'll be telling them that I'm going to teach people how to lose weight without dieting. I can just imagine what they'll be thinking because I would have thought it myself. Not good.
But, I did feel hungry today for the first time in a while. I think my depression is still slowly getting worse so my appetite is mostly non-existant again, but tonight I felt hungry. Perhaps even too hungry maybe since I wasn't bothered what I ate as long as it stopped me from being hungry? I ate mindfully though, mostly, and I didn't overate. I hate overeating now and find it almost alien that I have lived for the past five years, if not more, living my whole day-to-day life overeating. In fact I think I would struggle to overeat even if I tried. The food doesn't taste nice, I don't feel good physically, I feel bad emotionally as I know the physical draining feeling will continue for a couple of hours... it's not worth it anymore.
Now I'm here, I can see the Beyond Chocolate tools simply as tools. They were a little out there - letting yourself overeat if you need to for example, but it was a necessary step to get me out of a hole. Until I could open my eyes enough to really see how it feels to overeat, I never could have stopped it. I still remember the night when I decided to "sod it" and just throw myself into the BC principles. I remember it feeling like I'd just jumped out of a plane, and then I remember climbing into bed with a load of food and getting stuck in, mindfully of course, and then out of nowhere, I wanted to stop. I think I perhaps ate a yoghurt and a half, or maybe two, and then I was done. There I was, convinced I would have eaten myself out of house and home given half the chance and then fifteen minutes later I was done. What kind of a poor effort was that :OD
I still can't thank Sophie & Audrey and Geneen enough. I don't think there is anything I can do to repay them for what they have done for me. It feels awkward to have this intense emotion and not know what to do with it. I almost feel like I want to grab them by the shoulders and say "But you dont get it! I am SO GRATEFUL for what you have done for me!!", but of course that would just be plain silly.

Just 4 more sleeps til Christmas. I am so not ready for it this year. It feels like it should be at least a couple more months away. My best friend's baby is due in the middle of January too and that has just flown by as well. I think perhaps a part of it is due to my depression - the only way I can get through each day is to be as self absorbed as possible as too much reaching out to others exhausts me mentally, emotionally and physically. So the weeks fly by without me really noticing, which is sad, but even more so while I have young children.

Success and Perfection

Somehow I had never managed to separate the ideas of success and perfection. This evening, I've just been looking for a new quote to update my BC signature with and I came across this one:

Aim for success, not perfection. Never give up your right to be wrong, because then you will lose the ability to learn new things and move forward with your life.
Dr. David M. Burns

I think that kind of makes it a little clearer.

Also, I took part in a BC teleclass!
I was so nervous, I wasn't going to do it, I was going to sit the whole call in silence, then I wasn't going to bother at all again But I just did it. And I'm so glad I did, it was so helpful to hear these women in real time and their real voices telling me how they feel and for them to pick up on some points I made and to identify with them on points they made too.I was worried because it was about feeling ok with our bodies and the idea of ourselves being beautiful and so on, and I kind of felt like I'm ok with my body now. I want to lose weight still, but I'm ok. So I wondered if maybe I wouldn't be any help to anybody or maybe the class wouldn't really help me but it was great. It brought up some new things to think about, made me realise where I'm getting stuck with some things and also cleared up a few misconceptions that I had about working towards liking my body.

I'm so glad I did it because before I did I had no doubts that I wouldn't bother joining that part of the guru club and now I am looking forward to being part of the teleclass every month!

Definitely worth a go if you can get a free taster session like I did, just to see whether it works for you. If it doesn't, you can stay quiet for the whole call or maybe like me you'll find it surprisingly easy and helpful.

My Chocolate Kingdom

My Chocolate Kingdom
A Fragment of a Dream ...and in my Chocolate Kingdom they brough me great MOUNTAINS of CHOCOLATE and thereof did I eat. And it did not make me feel ILL or ASHAMED, neither did it put weight on my THIGHS. For the chocolate was health-giving and NOURISHING, and the more I ate, the more BEAUTIFUL I became.

-Edward Monkton.

:O)
It makes me smile to think this is no longer a dream for me. That I can fill my cupboards with chocolate and I don't have to eat it. And that when I decide I would quite like some, whether that be a single piece or several bars, I can eat it without feeling sinful afterwards, and it doesn't equal weight gain anymore. So for me now, it is health-giving and nourishing because it nourishes my emotional and sensory health. Sometimes the soothing sensation of chocolate melting on my tongue is just what I need to cheer me up, and that's not a bad thing. Am I more beautiful? Yes, I think so. Not because I have lost weight, but because my soul is being recognised, respected and treated well by me.

Only nine sleeps to go!

Just nine more sleeps til Santa!

We went to fetch our Christmas tree tonight from Sherwood Pines Forest Park. It was fantastic. I really enjoyed choosing our own tree. The children had a giggle too.

We haven't decorated it yet though. I need to buy some more decorations as a lot of the glass ones got smashed, and we had to dash out to the ice hockey game. I hadn't been to one before and tbh I don't think I'm too fussed about going again. The players were really aggressive with eachother, and the commentator had to keep advertising all the sponsors which was really annoying.

But anyway, our tree is fantastic even undecorated. It's a beautiful dark green colour and smells fantastic. They had spruces, pines and firs for sale and we got a fir tree.

I also the most AMAZING night at the Take That concert on Thursday. I was worried it wasn't going to be too good and I'm not a big fan of them but I'd bought the tickets to cheer my mum up. It was absolutely fan-tas-tic! There was lasers, opera singers, ballet dancers, bridges that descended from the ceiling, travelators, fires and firedancing, african drums... It was so fantastic. You could see in their faces that the boys loved it too, they really put their hearts and souls into performing.

I'm making an effort to dress more like a 21 year old in the hope that this will raise my spirits enough to start acting more like one. Obviously I won't ever get back that freedom, but I don't have to be the frumpy mother that I've become. It's hard though, it's definitely a symptom of my struggle with finding an identity. Forming an identity that fits both a mother, a wife and a young woman hasn't been easy and I think I've acted older than I am to prove that I can be a good mother even if I am 21, and also to blend in with other mothers instead of looking different. I don't want to do that anymore though and thankfully, with BC, I've learnt that it isn't slimness that enables me to be young. Being slim would make it easier to dress younger, but I don't have to wait until I'm slim to even try anymore.

I also went out for dinner with Ben to celebrate our second anniversary last night - it's not til Tuesday but getting a babysitter on a weeknight is close to impossible. We went to one of our local pubs, The Chesterfield. I had goats cheese and sundried tomato salad to start, followed by venison and then a chocolate mousse. The starter was fantastic, the venision was very bland which was disappointing, and the chocolate mousse was so rich! I only managed to eat half of the main and pudding. We did finish a bottle of Veuve Cliquot between us though. I've waited four years to try that particular brand and it's now my favourite. Yummity yum!

I'm going to have a busy week this week getting everything ready for Christmas. I'm determined to have everything ready slightly in advance otherwise I end up completely run down and usually ill on Christmas day and boxing day. Not good.

Anyway, I'm off for a slice of cake. Bye xx

Hmpf

Tonight I'm feeling rubbish and desperately want to be slim so that others find me attractive. Why do I want others to find me attractive? Why do I want to feel validated in that way?
*sigh*
Perhaps a bit too "heart on my sleeve" but I think I'm feeling a bit frumpy and fed up as a wife and mother. I think I'm associating my previous younger life with slimness. I'd say young, free and single but I've only been single for six weeks since I was fourteen and a half lol. Perhaps it's wanting to have it all - that rush that you get from other people finding you attractive, but the security and stillness and stability that love provides. I'd never switch the love that I have with Ben for anything in the world, but it'd be nice to feel sexy too sometimes. Why can't I associate my size with sexiness?
Hmmf.
Well, now I just feel sad and silly, which I guess is better than feeling like I wanted to ring my mum (Cambridge Diet counsellor) for shakes and soups.

Silly me!

God I'm good

*toot toot toot* <-- Me blowing my own trumpet :OD

I got 77%!! The number of minor mistakes (mostly typos) is hilarious, but I got 77% after spending a couple of hours doing an assignment that should have taken 12 hours!!

Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!
And finally we have some cash, so I am going to get a bottle of wine and some lovely fish for dinner to celebrate. Yummety yum!

Rubbishy Rubbishness

Went to see my doctor this morning. I'm being referred to the Psychiatric team because I'm still not improving and over the last month or so I've got considerably worse. Utterly determined not to let this affect either my OU work or my BC fairy course in April. Though saying that, I had a mad rush to get my assignment in tonight. I submitted it with 3 minutes to go, though I think I did a good job considering the circumstances. I got a 79% on my first assignment. I will be happy with anything above 65% but realistically expecting somewhere between 50-65%.
The doctor gave me a questionnaire to rate how bad the symptoms are and I got 22 out of 27, so quite high. I have no appetite again.
I am also having some binge type desires that I'm not entirely sure are linked to the weight loss thing. I want to eat when I feel hard done by, and I wanted to eat tonight to celebrate getting my assignment in but we didn't have anything I felt like eating. I'm also very aware that eating doesn't work the way it used to anymore so it would be utterly pointless as it wouldn't even be a comfort, which makes the desires all the more confusing.

Ordered £32 worth of stuff from Avon though, so hopefully that will cheer me up a little when it arrives on the 12th. I bought some red lipstick and nail polish (my favourite colour), a teal eyeliner/eyeshadow duo thing as I always wear neutral colours and wanted to try something difference, and a tamagotchi pet thing LOL. I'm such a kid. I'm sure it will be rubbish, but it's only a fiver and I'm sure Toby will use it if I don't. Still, the thought of treating myself to something silly like that brings a smile to my face which is worth a whole lot more than a fiver at the moment :O)

Geneen Roth

I've just been flicking through some of the sections I'd underlined in Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. Some of the things Geneen says almost moved me to tears. When I read the book normally, it felt kind and comfortable, but picking out the best statements and reading them without the bumf really shows how amazing that woman is. She really writes from the heart, and it's like she's talking to you the way a mother should.

One part that particularly stuck out for me tonight was this, on how to be after a binge.

" It is crucial that you be KIND to yourself, that you be kinder to yourself now than you have been in a long time. This is when you need yourself the most. Don't leave. Your are most prone to self-condemnation, punishment, deprivation at this time, and if you let yourself fall into that trap, you'll be lost until you can muster the compassion the retreive yourself. Do something wonderful ... You need to let yourself know that you still believe in yourself."

There is so much wisdom in that book. I don't think I could ever repay her for the change she has made to my life.

Big Fat MWAH

To all the lovely ladies who left me comments on my last post :O) It's lovely to feel so supported.
Happily I am not at all affected by other peoples' weight worries. It hadn't even crossed my mind this year that I should be slim at Christmas. Quite frankly, I couldn't care less what my family think of my weight and if they think rude comments then it says more about them than me. I hadn't noticed how good it is to be free of those dieting deadlines.
I seem to have lost my hunger signal again. It's not too bad and I think it is related to the depression, which has taken a horrible turn. Think I need to try some different antidepressants as these seem to be making things worse rather than better.
I've had a couple of struggles over the last few days - a bit of a push me pull me, again originating from an "I shouldn't eat this" as usual. I start second guessing myself as to whether I should eat something or not, and with the lack of hunger signal it's hard to feel like I'm making the right decision. It hasn't resulted in a binge though so I must be doing ok.

And in other news - it's nearly Christmas!! Yay!! I saw the Coca-Cola advert, and we're going to get a Christmas tree on Sunday, a real one! I can't wait. I sorted out all the decorations the day before yesterday, though I seem to have lost a load. Not that I need an excuse to buy more. I bought some gorgeous Gisela Graham ones from John Lewis last year, they are beautiful. I also managed to win an auction on eBay for a beautiful fabric advent calendar. It's the same one that my step-grandmother made for me as a child from a kit that can't be bought anymore. It only cost me £6.50 as well. Bargain!

I've begun planning the Christmas Day evening buffet as we have all the family over. It's so nice to be allowed to eat whatever I want without guilt and without regret the next morning. I've got some fantastic ideas and I can't wait to get started shopping and preparing it.

That's about all. I'm sooo tired and I have so much studying to do before my assignment on Tuesday so I better get cracking.

Brain twisting.

Gah. So, losing weight that is obvious in clothes sizes seem to result in the same effect that losing weight on the scales seems to have. I want to eat more. Al recommended I do the fat conversation thing again which I think will be a good idea. I also came up with another possible explanation as I was walking yesterday but I've forgotten what it was now. Useful, aren't I!

I've been writing my Christmas list this week. I found a gorgeous pair of knee high boots in Clarks.

I went to try them on this evening and they won't zip up over my fat calves. Strangely, I am not having a go at myself the way I used to. I am, however, really upset. And angry. Though I'm not sure who I'm angry at or why. I'm definitely fed up about that. I've wanted them for weeks and now there is no point getting them.
I'm still feeling positive that this is working for me. I am in size 18 jeans again, albeit with hold-it-all-in pants. I think there is definitely a feeling of impatience. When I gave up the scales, I started to give up the intense desire to lose weight. Weightloss has always been non-negotiable; it had to happen, but the intensity was diminishing. This week, when I realised I was really losing weight, it brought that desire back. I tasted success, it tasted good and I wanted more. I'd lost the patience, and the bad food habits/incessant gremlin niggling came back scarily fast.

I'm in for the long haul. This makes me feel so free and so happy, even the crap days are never as crap as they used to be. Only five months til fairy training starts! :O)

Being ok

I'm doing ok with my eating still. It feels odd though, like I'm waiting for something to go wrong. I know this is something I'll have to work on continuously albeit at a less involved level. Before I couldn't even contemplate the idea of missing a meal. Whether I was hungover, sick, tired, had nothing in the house that I fancied, I'd eat anyway. Plus snacks. I was always hungry. These days, I'm hardly ever hungry. My emotional needs aren't getting met as much as I'd like, but the desire to eat has gone now that I've dealt with that "emotional discomfort never gets solved with food" thing.
In a way, it's a little scary as I can't hide from my emotions like I did before. Eating something doesn't even distract me anymore in the way it did. That's good though. That's where I want to be. That is exactly the reason that intuive eating has been such a journey for me. While on the surface it seems to be about having the willpower to follow the principles, it isn't. It's about separating yourself from the crutch that eating has become.
We're brought up in a society that inadvertantly creates disordered eating patterns. Learning how to eat now seems to me to be as important as learning how to walk or talk, and just as difficult. And I've learnt that making mistakes is not a negative thing. I now see them as discovering boundaries. If I make a mistake with IE, I've just discovered something new about myself or my eating habits. Putting it like that makes me realise that it's impossible to do IE without making mistakes. I think it was Thomas Edison that said "I haven't failed, I've just found many ways that don't work".
Ah ha, here we go, the exact quote -

"I have not failed 700 times. I have not failed once. I have succeeded in
proving that those 700 ways will not work. When I have eliminated the ways that
will not work, I will find the way that will work." –Edison.

That is definitely a quote that reflects my journey with intuitive eating. When I discovered Beyond Chocolate, I never believed that my life would change so much. I thought I was just going to eat better and lose weight. I never thought I'd have to change so much, to acknowledge myself and my feelings all the time. And now it seems absurd that I had been ignoring myself my whole life. I need looking after and I deserve to be looked after, not by other people but by myself.
That part is massive. And so, so difficult. I still find it extremely hard to ask for help. I've often been praised for being independent, so I think I interpreted that as it being a good thing to be able to cope alone, and so by asking for help I'd be giving up the image of being independent or self sufficient. That's what I need to work on now.
In other news, my depression has taken another turn for the worse. I was taking too many tablets for a few weeks - 150mg imipramine as my prescription, but I was still taking 100mg dosulepin. Now I've run out of dosulepin and I'm falling to pieces. I went to see my doctor again yesterday and she's increased my dose of imipramine to 200mg. I wanted to tell her that I'd been taking too many tablets but I couldn't. I think I might need someone to come with me next time if the increased dose of imipramine doesn't help so that I can put the 150mg imip + 100mg dosulepin idea to her. I suspect the answer will be no (which is why I'm scared to ask!), but it really worked before and I felt like myself again. We'll see anyway.

Happy Birthday Leo!

Today my baby boy is one year old. Already! I am in shock I think LOL. This last year has been momentous for me. I started my pregnancy a size 10, quickly going up to a 12 with the bloating/bump plus the all inclusive holiday weight that we went on the week before I found out I was pregnant. By the end of my pregnancy I was a size 18, yet I didn't know this until after I gave birth. I was mortified. I was (and still am!) over the moon was my son, so totally and utterly in love with him, the second he was placed onto my chest. The first words I managed were a breathless "Oh my gosh, I love him already".
Then two days later I decided to brave clothes, and being generous to myself, tried a size 14. I figured I'd need bigger jeans to allow for the post-baby bulge. They wouldn't even go up to my mid-thighs.
I couldn't understand it. It made no sense. I'd been wearing size 10/12 maternity clothes the whole time. Nobody had commented on my weight throughout my pregnancy. I couldn't possibly be a size 16! The idea was ridiculous. I had no choice but to drag myself to Next and buy the 16s. Better try them on first I thought. They wouldn't do up. Size 18?! I've never been a size 18. Size 18 was past my size 16 (the biggest my mum ever was) "limit".

I bought the size 18 jeans. I had no choice. I had nothing to wear. I wore size 16 tops though. I wasn't a size 18, I was a size 16/18. It's different. I wouldn't buy a coat because the size 16 coats wouldn't do up. I spent the winter quite cold!

Nine days after giving birth to Leo, I felt so terrible about my size that I joined WeightWatchers online. I was back to points, and thank god breastfeeding allowed so many extra points because I was overloading food to push away the feeling of shame that came with my new size. The feeling of being a complete and utter failure. Nothing else mattered. I was fat. Again.

The Diet started every single day. I didn't wait for Mondays or Tuesdays (the new Mondays dontcha know!). Always grasping points here, saving them there. Overspending mostly, promising myself that tomorrow I'd stick to my points. I couldn't wait until Leo was 6 months old when I'd decided that was an ok timescale to stop breastfeeding and go back to the Cambridge Diet.

Over New Year I think it was, I read about Beyond Chocolate in my subscription magazine Psychologies. It sounded good, but I'd dismissed it as expensive without even finding out the prices. After LighterLife I knew that all "the answers" were expensive.

Then in March, after breaking my heart and posting on an internet forum, a wonder lady called Rache told me that Beyond Chocolate was really worth a try, and asked me if I had seen their book. I hadn't but I ordered it that afternoon, after she promised me it wasn't about "Embracing your Fat Self" and staying fat but not minding that. When the book arrived, I read it in one day. Just reading the introduction and I was sold. I had The Answer in my hands.

And for once, it really is the answer. The pain is going, the binging is gone, the overeating is finally an exception instead of the norm. I'm not "cured" by any means, but I don't think you ever are cured of this. I still struggle with my feelings. I don't know how to deal with things when I'm bored or lonely but I don't actually want to do anything about it. I don't want to be making friends or taking up a new hobby, I'm fine enjoying my own company but I want that general unease to go away. I'll get there.

And I'm hungry! Well, not right now. We had triangle sandwiches, mini pizzas, sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple on sticks followed by birthday cake with jelly and icecream. I'm stuffed! But tomorrow I won't be very hungry, and then I'll probably feel a little hungry in the afternoon. I love feeling hungry. It makes me feel alive. That sounds a little silly, but I think anyone who has been through this knows what I mean.

It's good to feel connected.

And I am still breastfeeding! And I love it. I have a life, I have a baby and I am ok now. I wish I knew then what I know now. I wish I had just enjoyed those early days instead of fretting.

Can't wait for the next one now. Hehe. But not for a while - had a coil fitted on Monday. Non-hormonal - I won't have any hormones messing with my appetite anymore!

Title inspiration?

I have no title inspiration today.
My mum rang my Dad about the issue with him getting married. My sister was just as distressed by it all as I was, so my mum offered to gently raise the issue with my Dad so that he is aware of our feelings. I'm glad she did. I'm too scared to rock the boat, so having her support really makes the difference.

Foodwise things are ok. I don't really have much to say on it all really, which is dull for the rest of you IEers who read my blog and support me. We have been broke for the last week or so though, which means the abundance side of things is lacking, and therefore the cravings are on the up but in a way it's nice to explore this side of things. I did have Haagen Dazs mini pots of icecream for dinner on Thursday night though. Yum! It was nice to be broke but still have ice-cream, because I didn't have to pay for a dinner I didn't want but felt compelled to eat as I have in the past.

I've been going over the e-course work this week. It's even brought up some new things that I hadn't discovered before. I think the "I want, I need, I desire" exercise is my favourite. It seems I definitely have a real conflict of wanting to be noticed in a positive light, but also wanting to be alone. I guess the two aren't mutually exclusive though.

Learning to eat intuitively has really forced me into living intuitively. I can't ignore my feelings because they won't go away, and I'm not prepared to risk hiding them under food anymore, nor do I want to take up drinking, smoking, risky sex or gambling! I found the concept of living intuitively a little "hippyish" when I first discovered IE but now I'm discovering that actually it's just a state of being confident.

Valuing yourself brings an automatic boost of self esteem. I also feel compelled to honour my needs, wants and desires. Obviously this isn't always practical - I can't afford those gorgeous shoes every week, but I can feel that I am worth spending time and money on when I can afford it. And in terms of time, making sure I can afford to spend time on myself because I need it and I am worth it.

I can't wait until I am a real Chocolate Fairy and can start spreading the magic fairy dust, so to speak.

Hurting

Excuse my probably OTT reactions, I've only just heard the news and I'm reacting emotionally and probably being unreasonable.
My parents are divorced. My Dad has always been rubbish. At the most we seem him once a month. He doesn't see the importance of coming to visit when my children have birthdays. At the same time, he is always saying he is proud of me, my husband, my children, that he is glad to be a grandparent to such lovely boys etc. I assume his uselessness is laziness rather than malicious.
Today he called to announce he is getting married some time after next April. No problem except I didn't even know he was with anyone, except through hearsay from my grandma (his mum). He previously broke up with this woman because she was manipulating him financially and emotionally. That was about 18 months ago. I've got no idea how long they have been back together, I only heard the rumours last week.
His uselessness is always upsetting me. He's always letting me down, but because he doesn't mean to I brush it aside and forgive him. Nobody is perfect, I don't expect him to be. I feel this is one step too far. He openly admitted he didn't tell anyone he was back with her because he wanted to keep it a secret in case it all went wrong. I hate this woman. She has been rude to me and to my sister (including about my house, about my children, about my mothering ability, about my sister's size (she's a size 12, woman is at least a 16)). She was also rude to my husband's best man at my wedding, and left the wedding reception without saying goodbye to anyone, including my dad.
I don't want anything to do with her. I don't want to come up and see us when my dad comes. I don't want her mail sent here (my dad's does as he lives on a narrow boat as he's on the road 5 days a week) when she moves in with him. I don't want to go to their wedding. I don't even want to pretend I'm ok with it anymore.
But I don't want to cause a rift. I don't want to be the one holding a grudge, but I don't want to see her, talk about her or for her to have any contact with my children.

I feel sick to my stomach. I've lost my appetite, but for some reason ate my dinner anyway. I am hurting so much. Hurting because I've been deceived, hurting because he's letting me down, hurting for all the times I know he's going to let me down in the future as he's always worse when he's in a relationship. Hurting because I'm not a priority for him the way I am for my mother and the way my children are for me and my husband. Hurting because I was stupid enough to honour him by giving my son his name as a middle name and he doesn't deserve it. Hurting because I'm too scared to admit that he's shit and I hate him and I don't want anything to do with him yet at the same time I don't want to lose him, or rather the person he could be if he just tried.

I'm feeling a desire to fill myself with food, yet I know it won't work so I can't do it and I don't know how else to make this pain go away.

Off on holiday!

We're going away for the weekend with the children and H's parents. I get on with them well, but I'm worrying about this being the first time in 18 months and the first time during my IE journey that I've not had control over what I'm eating. We've been using up the food in the house rather than buying more, and I'm beginning to find I would rather go hungry than eat something that doesn't "fit" (and yes, this really is me, I haven't been abducted and replaced ). Not sure how that will go down. I don't want to be seen as faddy, but I need to be true to myself.

The old faithful "I'm not hungry, but thankyou anyway" is good for the odd meal, but for 4 days?

Hmm.
I'm sure I'll be fine. These things always seem like they will be worse than they actually are.

To the future.

This is a reply I posted on the minimins forum about whether legalising food is a good idea or not.

I'm firmly in the legalising is ok camp I'm afraid. Even if that means we do put on weight first. It's ok. It's ok to put on weight. Your life will not end. It takes some getting used to, it's scary, it goes against all the advice we receive (but fortunately it DOESN'T go across the research associated with IE).

Dieting is bad for you. I'll probably get flamed for saying that on a primarly dieting website, but it's true. There is so much research out there that proves it. Yo-yo dieting (which is inevitable given that it's practically impossible to keep the weight of once you have done it) is worse for your health than staying the larger size in the first place. And that hurt me to read for a long time. I felt like such a fool for believing the dieting propaganda. I felt let down, that I'd wasted my time, that I had been well and truly duped.

All of the IE books I have read with personal accounts give personal experiences of people eating junk food a lot at first. It's almost important to the journey. There is nothing wrong with it. It gets it out of your system and you move on. The only time I started messing up my IE journey was when I joined the Normal Eating website and started following her rules of how many fists of food, numbers for a hunger scale etc. I'm sure it works for some, but for me there was far too much of an underlying feeling that we should only eat 1.5-2 fists of food, we should eat a paleolithic diet, we shouldn't eat carbs as there was no "essential carb"... too many rules for someone taking her early steps along a very delicate path.I'm pretty sure I put on weight at first. The only time I fall back into bad habits is when I start telling myself I shouldn't eat this now, or I shouldn't want this food, or I shouldn't be this hungry. For me it's that immediate.

Legalising food is not about saying "I can't eat whatever I like whenever I want and will do so all the time", it's about "I can eat whatever I want whenever I WANT IT". I've written about this before. Eating a chocolate bar when you want a chocolate bar is great. Eating a chocolate bar when you want an apple is only ever going to be as satisfying as eating an apple when you want a chocolate bar. We've all been there. It isn't satisfying at all.Intuitive eating is about be able to learn what you want in terms of body hunger rather than mouth hunger, but even then it isn't all the time. Normal eaters eats out of mouth hunger sometimes. Intuitive eating is about letting go of other peoples rules and creating your own. Read around. If stricter rules TRULY work for you, use them. If they make you feel deprived or make you feel inferior to the rule giver, throw them away, they will only do more harm that good.

The difference between eating what you want all the time and eating what you want when you want it is provided in the other BC principles. Eating something you don't really want is not enjoyable at all when you are tuned in to what your body wants. Eating past satisfaction level is not enjoyable if you are tuned in. Eating when you aren't hungry in the first place doesn't bring that sense of celebration that it brings when you are hungry. You don't really enjoy it unless you are really hungry.That's not to say you shouldn't eat unless you can be true to all the principles. You try your best and you instinctively, naturally, without much effort if any at all move towards normal eating. Putting effort in, restraining yourself often turns IE into another diet that is followed by yet another backlash.

Have I lost weight yet? I don't know. I don't weigh myself. Weighing myself is dangerous for me. It tells me I've failed to stay at a "healthy weight" (although the research about the truth of BMI is fascinating!). It tells me I don't deserve to eat, to go out or to even live on the bad days. It tells me I should go on a diet. Most importantly though, I don't care what I weigh. I'm not a number. My number is not me. My number is not my health. Overweight fit people are healthier than slim unfit people, period. I am not even my clothes size. The label in my clothes is just a non regulated number of inches of material that varies between shops. When I had a 29" waist, I needed a size 18 pair of jeans in one style, a size 10 in another style in the same shop!!

I am me. I am so much more than my weight or my size. Far more affects my health than my weight and size. Mental health needs to be included here too. Now that I am free from peoples rules about my size, I am free to put my energies into training to be a chocolate fairy, training to be a psychologist, practising yoga, taking my children to the park because I'm not afraid of going out anymore, becoming more confident in my body and letting myself have a sex life again. Hell, I'm coming to the point I was absolutely completely and utterly terrified of. I don't care about my size. Right now, I don't care if I stay fat forever because I am HAPPY! I have a LIFE! I still have issues with food but now I can LIVE!

But for once, I am putting my money on the fact that I probably won't stay fat forever because I am sorting out the problem, not the symptom.

Yoga

I'm still suffering from sievebrain syndrome and I've completely forgotten to write about my yoga class.
I've been trying to find a week-by-week course as so many round here are run in six week blocks and are term time only, which is no good for me. I managed to find a lovely class in the village my mum used to live in, run by a lovely young lady called Katherine. She is so encouraging, tipping you slightly this way or that way when you haven't quite got it right. When you do get it right, she beams a great smile at you as reassurance.
She also tells us all the names of each move in Sanskrit as well as English which makes it feel very authentic.
We started off with breathing exercises, then did some warm up moves, then some bigger sequences. At the end, Katherine lit two candles and turned all the lights off while we lay in the dark and did a relaxation exercise. It was so calming, I'm surprised we didn't all fall asleep!

That was on Tuesday night, and I am still aching today but I can't wait to go again :OD

Thankyou

Thankyou to everyone who has left me wonderful messages of congratulations.
It's really appreciated :O)