Rubbish

Rubbish day.
I am mostly frustrated that I had been doing so well over the last week or so, but today feels like a big release of frustration and resentment and like I just want to lash out.
I don't really have much of an idea why. I'm sure it can't possibly still be about the incident with my husband's dinner on Monday night. I have had a tiring day, walking to pre-school and then going to fetch my car from Ben's workplace as I couldn't face walking there and back again and then Ben not coming home till 8.30pm this evening. Maybe I'm just tired.

I'm struggling to actually feel what it is I am feeling because I am so used to just ignoring it and making myself feel good (and then worse) by eating nice things. I am struggling to notice the difference between hungry and not hungry and even when I eat my hunger level doesn't seem to move. I keep zoning out whilst eating, probably because I am eating in front of the television, all the while telling myself I'm "doing it all wrong" and "need to do it properly".

I just want the indecision in my head to shut the hell up and just leave me be for a while.

So I gave in and ate chocolate and climbed in bed and typed this.

Now I can feel I'm repressing something, and while I don't know what it is, I can feel I need to let it out by crying. Why am I berating myself again and telling myself not to be so effing immature?