Same old, same old.

Another crappy day.
I was up late, reading, and then Ben has been at work today and the house is a mess. He promised to clean up the kitchen and playroom before he left but he overslept. Normally I would have been able to cope but I think the lack of sleep just about finished me off, so I have been scraping my way through the day doing nothing productive at all, except eating biscuits that taste rubbish and I don't even want.

I'm starting to feel paranoid again as well. I know it is just my depression playing tricks on me, but I start thinking nobody likes me, they only say nice things to me because they feel they should, that Ben is only with me because he pities me, that my kids wish they had a better mum, I've even started telling myself that I have only got an interview for Chocolate Fairy training because everyone who applies gets one(!)... Oh list goes on. It's pretty pathetic really, but I know "pulling myself together" won't work and I am learning to sit with it and just feel it instead of going into self-destruct mode like I always used to.

I have started going right off food as well. It's hard because I still never really feel hungry even if I don't eat all day, but now I look in my cupboards and there is just nothing. It's packed full of stuff that I normally love but no luck.

I think I have found something to wear to my interview, but they don't have any in stock at the moment which is frustrating! I was really worried about that, as I hate clothes shopping at this size. I think I need to work on accepting my size. I've been a bit bloated over the last couple of days as well and I don't know whether to buy the next size up jeans or not. My current ones are just on the uncomfortable side, but if I'm going to go back down again in a couple of days then I might as well save my money.